Emme’s Story
id: a park bench painted to look like the trans pride flag
Article By Emme K (she/her)
20 minutes when I was 55 changed my life forever. I stopped hiding.
For personal, survival and safety reasons I hid being transgender.
During art therapy training a few years ago, we colourfully expressed unseen aspects of ourselves.
A classmate witnessed my artwork and story with loving acceptance and delight In 20 minutes of sharing I felt emotionally clear from a lifetime of pain, repression and inner darkness. A lifelong wall of loneliness dissolved when I told my class. The freedom feelings lasted for weeks, months and years from sharing and being accepted.
I couldn’t explain being transgender, but I couldn’t keep hiding because being authentic with safe people in safe places was profoundly healing.
At age 4 I didn’t know the word “transgender” or that others were like me. I clearly knew who I was and kept it as my private secret.
Deeply “knowing” I would be a woman when I grew up meant puberty in the early 1970s was very painful as my body appearance betrayed my inner identity. I suffered in silence not knowing what to say or do.
As a teenager I read a news item about a transgender woman in England and was delighted to discover someone out there like me. I didn’t speak of it because disapproval and even disgust were common attitudes about diverse ways of sexuality and gender in the overseas place where I lived.
Privately and subtly I expressed my inner self, but was afraid of being known and suffering the repercussions.
Like every transgender person, I could tell many stories about coming to a place of revealing and expressing outwardly my identity. In my 30s, because of illness, poverty, and lack of safety and support, I decided to keep being a transgender woman a private, treasured secret.
Eventually the suffering and loneliness was too much. Then the liberation of being seen, known, loved and accepted in safe places with safe people in my art therapy school was so profound and life-giving that I needed to continue the openness and authenticity.
However, it’s often tough even with more people being accepting. Every day there can be a great deal of anxiety and emotional exhaustion.
As transgender people we spend much energy trying to feel safe, dealing with anxiety, struggling to belong, and feeling the effects of both subtle and overt hurt and discrimination.
Living can be too hard. Dealing with hurtful words, attitudes, vibes and actions mean those of us who are transgender pay a price emotionally, physically, socially, mentally, spiritually and financially.
We desire to flourish and thrive. To be safe and respected. To belong. To have our transgender gifts valued. To not be stereotyped. We are diverse, living, human beings - not problems to be solved or dealt with.
Treat us well with kindness, acceptance, dignity and respect and we will be happier and healthier, and life will be better and more productive for all of us.
As transgender people we bring gifts:
At one workshop an emotionally fragile woman said she watched how the group treated me as a transgender woman. When she saw acceptance and kindness towards me she then knew she was safe. In a course I took, one woman hid a significant aspect of herself for much of the year. Finally she had the courage to share. She was loved and accepted and I watched her shine as she no longer hid. She told of finding inspiration, courage and safety by watching me and how the group treated me.
Many say they relate to me even though they aren’t transgender. They hide aspects of themselves for the sake of others. Because of me they find courage and strength to be more true to themselves.
One man said that in his work and social groups a transgender woman like me would not be safe from others or even with him. My story opened up his understanding; and his heart and behaviour changed.
Three in a women’s group shared about transgender people in their families: a mum and two gender diverse children. Through their encounters with me, they said they learned to understand and relate better.
Gifts that come with being the transgender woman I am include gentleness, empathy, compassion, understanding, adaptability, openness, authenticity and emotional intimacy.
I love to share these gifts and enrich others’ lives, places and situations. I do it best when I am safe, respected, accepted and treated with kindness and dignity. We all do best when we are treated this way!