Supporting Your Trans and Gender Diverse Friends
id: the face of a Korean transgender woman, with dark eyes, wearing lipstick and mascara and a thoughtful smile
Click below to download Supporting Your TGD Friends as:
An audio file - a 2 page A4 print - a large A4 print/mobile version - a plaintext doc
Article By Marcel Liemant (he or they)
We all want to be a good mate.
But when your friend comes out as gender diverse and/or transgender it can be hard to know how to support them. You want to do the right thing, but sometimes you make mistakes and that’s okay. Here is a simple guide to better prepare you for supporting your transgender and gender diverse friends.
Pronouns and Names
I couldn’t write this guide without first discussing pronouns. He, she, they; for such simple words, pronouns maketh the man or woman or gender fluid human. They help your transgender friends feel seen, understood and supported. When we are misgendered or deadnamed it’s invalidating and stressful, so even though it can be tricky to get new pronouns to stick in your brain, it’s important to try.
Practice on your own – Even when your gender diverse friend isn’t around, use the correct pronouns and name. Practice makes perfect. This will really help you to better navigate the awkward period of adjustment and will help your friend feel safe and accepted.
Correct yourself – If you make a mistake, correct yourself. There’s no need to make a fuss and draw attention to your transgender friend, just correct your mistake and move on with the conversation.
Correct others – It can be hard to constantly correct someone about your own pronouns. Not only do you have to muster the energy and courage to speak up, you are also experiencing the stress and dysphoria of being misgendered. Becoming that ally that corrects others is one of the best ways you can support your gender diverse friend.
Normalise introducing yourself and others with pronouns- To help our culture evolve into a more accepting place for gender diversity, cis people need to normalise indicating their own gender markers. So even though your own pronouns may not have ever changed, start including them when you introduce yourself. That way, transgender people have a safe way to make sure their pronouns are respected without necessarily outing themselves.
Listen Well
Every transition is different, just as every transgender person is different. As a friend, it’s your role to be open and non-judgemental. Let your questioning friend question. Let your non-binary friend try out pronouns, styles, hormones. This may not be an experience you identify with, but rolling with the punches and cheering through it all is what a great friend does.
Awareness
We live in a cis-centric world, meaning that nearly all aspects of society are built upon the unquestioned assumption of a gender binary. I’m sure you’ve heard about the age-old toilet debate but in reality, that’s just the tip of the iceberg of discomfort transgender people confront daily. You can be an incredible friend to transgender people by trying to put yourself in our shoes.
Respect our privacy - We aren’t here to educate you or satisfy your curiosity. Let us take the lead with conversations about the inner workings of our diverse lives. These can be taxing conversations and chances are we’ve been asked the same questions over and over before. Please don’t treat your transgender friends as a gender diverse google search bar. There’s an actual search engine you can use to further educate yourself.
We have different needs – For transmasculine people that bind their chest, summer is hard. Binders are hot and stifling and can be painful if worn for long periods. Swimming is tricky for every transgender person because bathers are revealing. What cis people take for granted can be an anxiety-inducing ordeal for transgender people. Try to be aware that your transgender friend might be having a different experience.
Be an action-orientated ally
An LGBTQI+ ally gets out into the real world and helps change happen. Here are some ways you can help your gender diverse friends live safer lives:
Go to rallies and sign petitions– Get out there, pick up a sign, and use your voice to practice democracy. Transgender people are still fighting for equal rights and fair treatment and we need your help. Become an active ally and hit the streets.
Support organisations that support gender diversity – Money talks and being aware of organisations that both support and exclude transgender people, is a huge way to initiate change.
Celebrate milestones – And finally, transitioning is exhilarating and terrifying. It’s marked with acts of courage, loss, and bureaucracy. My friends and greatest supporters taught me a valuable lesson when I started testosterone and that was to celebrate everything, as often and as joyously as you can.
Click below to download Supporting Your TGD Friends as:
An audio file - a 2 page A4 print - a large A4 print/mobile version - a plaintext doc