Dear Future Lover
By Rey Vargas
Content warning: this piece contains discussions of intimate partner violence and sexual assault.
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Dear Future Lover,
I'm not sure at what point in our relationship you will read this letter, but know that at the time of writing this, I am in a place of utmost vulnerability. It doesn't happen a lot, but when it does, the floodgates open and some heavy stuff comes out. If my instincts are correct, you should be able to handle them anyway.
I was in an unhealthy relationship before you, bordering on abusive sometimes. We met online, and it was a whirlwind after the first date.
I would spend days in her home, pandering to her whims even though she never returned the favour. I bought her $400 worth of clothes and she didn't even offer to pay back a single cent of it, even though she earned more than me.
I travelled over 200km to a family event with her, where I was the only Asian in the room and I got more side eyes for being foreign than she did for being trans. During that event, I wore my binder for over 10 hours, and I hyperventilated during the ride home, which resulted in her parents dropping me off at the nearest station to go home by myself... at midnight.
She claimed she was more submissive, but the weight on my wrists when she pinned me to the bed said otherwise. She said she wouldn't dare disrespect my boundaries, but the time where she raped me while I was trying to write an essay said otherwise. She said she understood what consent was, but the sound of my door latch locking when she cornered me in my own bedroom because I wouldn't have sex with her said otherwise. She said, she said, she said...
She moved in with me for 11 days and they were the days I regret the most. Because I let her into my home - no, my family's home - and made my family have to bear with a 6ft white girl who insisted on buying fresh parmesan for pasta when there was already a jar of the grated stuff at home. Her moving in caused so much distress that my sister was thinking of moving out and my mother outright said to me, in front of her (in Tagalog), "what kind of mother speaks to someone who actively harms their child?". I made the decision to take her in because she said her parents were unaccepting, but when we kicked her out, it was her father who picked her up. I truly didn't know what to believe when that happened.
But that wasn't the end of it. The day after we kicked her out, she bombarded me with texts asking me why I wasn't there to send her off. I was on my way to class when these texts were sent and I didn't respond to them; I had nothing to say to her. But the minute class started, the texts stopped. I checked my phone for any new messages during the lesson and there were none. It was only when class ended that they started back up. She knew my schedule. So, I blocked her in every platform I could think of.
I have a mutual friend who says that she hasn't changed since we broke up. I'm not sure if I should feel pity or vindication. Perhaps I'm allowed to feel both.
I'm not trying to get you to pity me with this letter. I'm trying to get you to understand that I've been through the red flags, so I know how to spot them. I have been through rough stuff and come through better, wiser, and kinder. Now it's all paid off because I'm with you. I feel safe with you, like I'm allowed to be myself and you won't judge or ridicule. You taught me to open up again and love freely. You make me believe in the good in people, especially the good in you. You remind me that the days where I felt down won't last forever. Thank you for being a good presence in my life.
I can't wait to meet you.
Sincerely, me
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, or thinks they might be, you can contact
1800 RESPECT if you click here
Or the Department of Family and Community Services LGBTIQ resource